I don’t really write on here a lot and well I was just too busy over thinking everything but I realized that a lot of people don’t have my Tumblr and the people that do, I don’t really talk to them so I guess thats okay. 

Lately things have been harder than usual; these daily guilt trips my mom gives me kind of wears me down. I’m tired of feeling bad for the mistakes that I have made. Trust me, my mom makes it a freaking habit to never let me forget. I guess I’ve been getting good at masking how I feel 99.9% of the time or maybe its all the shit I take and never say a word. Come to think of it, I’ve been pretty much breaking down almost every other night which has been disrupting my sleep. 

I don’t want to stray into the pathetic road and feel bad and call myself a fuck up, but I cannot think of a more precise way of calling it. Everything feels like it’s falling apart and nothing really makes sense. The last time everything was good was when I was with my cousin… and I’m not talking about Christmas because my cousin which I use to consider my best friend, it just seemed like I was invisible and I never had the courage to speak up about it. Now she works and has a boyfriend and since I’m not her immediate family, I guess she just forgot about me which sucks because I’ve never felt so incomplete. I don’t think she knows this, but those talks or those nights I’d call her upset and just fall asleep on the phone.. I needed that. She was my escape and I don’t mean it in the weird way but after hearing her talk to me, I just felt like everything was going to be okay. 

I’m not good with telling people how I feel about anything… I usually just play it off or I quickly change the subjects. Some people don’t know how lucky they have it. All I want is for someone to listen to me. Not scolding me or criticizing me but listen and understand where I’m coming from. There is so much stuff I want to tell but I can’t because I don’t have anyone I can trust anymore. 

I hate feeling like this everyday but honestly, what would you do? When you couldn’t even talk to your own family or friends or anyone. 

This probably doesn’t make sense but I needed this. This is my way of coping.